fields of gold...

i've been thinking a lot about my family these days. thanksgiving is coming up so maybe that's why i've got them on my mind. it's also because i've heard 'fields of gold' 3 times in the past week after not hearing it for 3 months. most people wouldn't understand that reference but i'm sure some do.

right before i left, my uncle died of cancer. it was really fast - we all found out last april that he even had cancer and he died within months. i miss him terribly and still have trouble believing he's really gone. but i think what makes it the most difficult to believe is that my cousins have now done this twice. adam and kate, andrew and i are best friends. the four of us were the only grandkids of my dad's parents. we grew up next door to eachother and have become even closer as adults. katie is my very best friend.

when i was 12 (adam 11, andrew 10, kate 9) my dad's sister and adam and kate's mom died of cancer. it was a long battle and she suffered for years. it was really hard for everyone. adam and kate were really close with their dad because of it. and my uncle mike was such a good dad. he worked harder than anyone i know to give them whatever he could and they grew up to be amazing kids - both so smart and...just great people.

so when uncle mike got sick everyone was positive that he'd make it through. no one even imagined that he could die. it was just so unfair. he went on this crazy strict diet and routine of organic medicine. he said he didn't want kemo because he'd fought against his body his whole life. now he needed to help it. he was so dedicated but it just happened so fast. he lost a ton of weight and then had trouble walking and finally even moving. there was no way he could continue with the diet and exercise and the cancer just took over. every time the doctors came up with a new solution, something else went wrong. next thing we knew he was home with hospice care - there was nothing else they could do but calm the pain. and he was in so much pain.

the whole two weeks felt like a total train wreck. we were all faced with a reality that we had not prepared ourselves for. it was just...the absolute saddest thing i've been through. there is no where else in the world i would have rather been than by adam and kate's side. but it was so hard to watch them lose another parent - to relive their worst nightmare. they are both the strongest people i know. they were left with these decisions that i can't imagine making. decisions that people don't make until they are well into their late adulthood.

it's not like adam and kate were alone in this or that they had no one to turn to. uncle mike's family is this big ball of support really. i think we are all strong - the whole clan. my mom, dad, brother and i stayed up in weymoth for days at uncle mike's sister's/parents' house where he died. we all made each other laugh and the cousins (we're all in our 20's) ran errands and rallied for uncle mike's parents and siblings. i think it helped to keep adam and kate busy.

i feel better after writing this all out. i still wish i hadn't left for a different country so soon after though. i have this hole that's unfilled. i feel like i should be with kate as much as i can. she's doing fine and, like i said, she is incredibly strong. she sang 'fields of gold' at the funeral (which explains the reference at the beginning) and adam read the eulogy. i could barely get through a short reading. but maybe it's part of my own grieving process to have that need to be with them. moving to france was so exciting and hectic that i pushed all of that to the back of my mind when i left but now that i'm settled i am reconnecting with everything.

i haven't talked to kate nearly as much as i have wanted to. it's too expensive. and the time difference makes it hard - i'm 6 hours ahead of the east coast. i miss her so much. i know she's getting through this but maybe i need her to get through it myself. maybe i need to see her doing alright in order to stop worrying. i want to be there for her even if i don't need to be.

god, i am SO lucky. i am so lucky...